relationship_matters

Articles on Realtionship Matters:

Respect, Fear and Control in Education and Society

In many countries it is now illegal to hit children in school. In some countries, such as Sweden, it is also illegal to hit them in their homes. One result of this shift in social thinking is that children are becoming less afraid of their teachers, and of authority in general. In the past, the fear of physical punishment was often one of the main ways of maintaining control of the classroom and of society.

The trend in many countries is away from this form of control. I support this trend, but at the same time I am afraid we have taken away one method of control without replacing it with a better one. We have told the teachers you can no longer hit the children. But we did not tell them what to do instead. The result, according to many teachers, is sometimes chaos. What is needed is another basis of control.

I believe that respect is this other basis of control. This respect must be earned though. It cannot be forced or demanded. It must not be confused with fear. If we confuse fear and respect we are right back to the use of fear. (See sections on this confusion and on how to earn respect)

I believe there is actually an inverse relationship between respect and fear. (See related story) Where the student feels afraid of teacher X, there is likely to be little respect for the teacher. If you now remove the fear from the equation, the student has neither fear of, nor respect for, teacher X. Now teacher X has lost control of the class. But if the teacher has earned the respect of his students, he still has a basis of control, even when the threat of physical punishment is removed. Therefore he can be expected to have less problems maintaining control of the classroom. In fact, this seems to be the case in actual practice. Many educators have told me that the teachers who show respect to students have lower levels of discipline and control problems as compared to teachers who use punishment and threats. (See also Authority, Fear and Respect)

If a child is treated with respect at home, it is likely he will respond positively to being treated with respect at school. But if he is hit at home and he knows that he can't be hit at school, the teacher's job will be more difficult. This is one reason why I believe it is important that we train all teachers in how to earn the respect of their students as part of their own formal education. Ideally, I would also like to see all parents and future parents trained in how to earn the respect of their children. Some, of course, can do this naturally, but I believe most people could use some formal training.

Outside of the home, teachers are one of the first representatives of authority in society. If they earn the respect of their students, the students are likely to respect others in positions of authority and society will tend to function a bit more smoothly.

http://eqi.org
10 Mar 2007

How To Get Over Being Dumped?

We've all been there. We've fallen in love with somebody who just didnt love us back. We've heard a variety of exit lines: I think its time we started seeing other people, I love you, but Im not in love with you, or Its not you. Its me.

Its hard to accept when the other person just stops returning phone messages, but its even worse when they keep calling after the break-up. Running into the object of affection in a public place is also a killer, especially if he or she gives mixed signals by making persistent eye contact. It doesnt help when they send an email every so often to see how youre doing, either.

Instead, it makes it really easy for you to lie to yourself. You tell yourself that this person really does love you but is afraid of being hurt. The poor thing! If only you could convince him or her that you are a gentle soul utterly incapable of causing pain. If only you could prove your trustworthiness, your dedication. You will win him over! You will make her see! You will!

You lie awake at night replaying the happy scenes between you. You remember the tender way she looked at you while you recited your lines from the Third Grade Christmas pageant over a candlelit dinner. You bring to mind the yielding fullness of his lower lip as you kissed him on the beach. Surely this person loves you! Why must they live in such terror of loving and be loved?

And so it goes. You become caught up in believing that someone who doesnt love you really does, blinding yourself to opportunities for meeting a person who will truly make you happy.

You cannot move on until you stop obsessing, but thats easier said than done, right? Heres what worked for me:

Tell the person to bug off. Just as you must cease contact with the object of your affection, he or she must cease contact with you. Tell this person youre not ready to be friends and you dont know if you ever will. Any patronizing emails they send inquiring to your well-being will be left unread and marked as SPAM.

Write down all the things that bothered you. After being dumped, its natural to idealize the dumper. We remember the happy events and tender moments, but we forget about the time he was chatting away with a blob of scrambled egg stuck to his lip, or how mascara used to crumble in her eye sockets. We forget about the stack of Victorias Secret catalogs he kept on his night table, or her fondness for using four-letter words in 4-Star restaurants. Nobody is perfect. Everybody has faults, so write down a list of the object of your affections worst traits and pull it out every time that scene of the two of you fooling around at sunrise pops into your head. Tape a copy to your bathroom mirror while youre at it, so you see it first thing in the morning.

Throw out all reminders. It doesnt even have to be a gift. It could be a book you discussed, a bottle of wine you shared thats still on your kitchen counter, or the sheets you slept on together. Treat yourself by replacing everything. Start fresh.

Turn off the radio. Youre minding your own business, doing quite well, thank you, when all of a sudden some song comes on the radio that reminds you of the object of your obsession. Change the channel. Snap off the radio. Act fast, or in an instant you will be back where you started, treading the cycle of being in love, jilted, depressed, hopeful, and delusional.

Picture the person in a repellent fashion. It didnt matter that the object of my affection didnt even own a baseball cap, an effective technique I used to turn myself off to him was to imagine him wearing a baseball cap in a restaurant. I really hate a guy who wears a baseball cap in a restaurant. Surely there are things that turn you off. Imagine the object of your obsession doing them.

Make the commitment. The reason we obsess about people who hurt us is because its comfortable. Heck, sometimes its even fun. But to move on to the love you deserve, you have to make a commitment to stop obsessing. So make it. Remember, the opposite of love is not hate. Its indifference. When youre indifferent to the person who hurt you, you will truly be free and on your way to genuine happiness.

Terry Hernon Macdonald
12 Mar 2007

(c) Terry Hernon MacDonald. Terry Hernon MacDonald is the host of Romance Talk with Terry on Internet radio, which can be accessed any time by going to the archives at http://www.HealthyLife.net. Visit her website at http://www.marrysmart.com/.

Make Time For Your Relationship

"We don’t have to wait till Valentine's Day to think about relationships, whether we're in one or would like to be. Most people would agree that romance is the key element beneath the relationship pot.

Be it a steamy, sizzling wok or a warm, steady slow-cooker, romance is the flame that generally gets-and keeps-the heat of love alive. But what exactly is ""romance""?

When my wife and I were dating, we were ultra-romantic in the usual sense of the word. There were roses, love letters, surprise gifts, spontaneous adventures, and hours upon hours of talking and... you know, that other stuff.

To be honest, though, some of the initial romantic heat has cooled off a bit. Like couples everywhere, we find ourselves pressured by the demands of daily life: work, children, finances, household chores and commitments to extended family. Yet, through all our years together, we have somehow found a way to balance these things.

And while our definition of romance has changed somewhat according to our altered circumstances, we still manage to keep our relationship fresh and exciting. White-hot all-consuming passion has melted into love, consideration and affection.

But most of all, romance for us has become a way of making the ""everyday"" exciting. It doesn't take a lot of money or effort - just a commitment to making our relationship special by paying attention to it and a willingness to make (here is the four-letter secret)...

T-I-M-E
Romance keeps the spark alive. It keeps a relationship vital and interesting. And... it takes time!

Nurturing your relationship, enhancing it, and keeping it flourishing takes time, which is all too precious for many couples.

But by establishing priorities and setting goals, by making better use of the time you have, and by creating time you thought you didn't have, you CAN find more time for each other.

The first thing to do is prioritize!

You can spend your time in one of four ways, doing things that are:

Important and urgent (such as caring for your child that has fallen down and is bleeding);
Important but not urgent (sitting together sharing about your day);
Not important but urgent (taking your suit for dry cleaning, before tomorrow's meeting);
Not important and not urgent (switching on the TV and zapping between the channels).

When you look at all your time-consuming tasks, let go of any task that is not important.

By focusing most of your time on doing what is important but not urgent, you can eliminate a lot of the crises (important and urgent) as well as the unimportant things. Your perspective on what constitutes ""urgent"" will also change.

Here are a few important, but not urgent, activities to put high on your priority list:

1. Have a regular daily chat.
Turn off the TV and the cell phone and sit together for a short time, uninterrupted and face-to-face, every day to share your thoughts and feelings. Tell each other the little details as well as the big news. Focusing on each other for as little as fifteen minutes can make a huge difference. You will both feel appreciated and heard.

2. Spend one evening together each week.
Plan a specific night each week for your special date. Get a babysitter or trade childcare time with a friend. Once scheduled, treat the commitment as if it were written in stone. Don't break the date!

Take turns planning the activity (and occasionally surprise each other). Take in a movie, go for a bike ride, have a bubble bath, dance in your kitchen. Whether it's a dress-up home-cooked meal or a picnic dinner on the living room floor, make it special. It doesn't have to be expensive, just generous.

3. Spend some ""day"" time together.
Get up earlier than normal and have breakfast together at a coffee shop. Commute together if at all possible. Meet at lunchtime for a quiet meal or a ""stolen moment"". Rendezvous after work for a drink and an appetizer before dinner. Meet at a park for a walk in the fresh air.

You'll be surprised how lively conversation can become when you're meeting in the middle of the day, away from the household chores.

The anticipation of a planned evening or activity can be fun and exciting, even if (especially if!) you've been together for a long time.

By making a date, you'll set aside the special time your relationship deserves and rediscover the romance that started it all."