relationship_matters

Articles on Realtionship Matters:

Respect - What Respect Is and Why Is It So Important?

What Respect Is
Respect means a lot of different things. On a practical level it seems to include taking someone's feelings, needs, thoughts, ideas, wishes and preferences into consideration. We might also say it means taking all of these seriously and giving them worth and value. In fact, giving someone respect seems similar to valuing them and their thoughts, feelings, etc. It also seems to include acknowledging them, listening to them, being truthful with them, and accepting their individuality and idiosyncrasies.

Respect can be shown through behavior and it can also be felt. We can act in ways which are considered respectful, yet we can also feel respect for someone and feel respected by someone. Because it is possible to act in ways that do not reflect how we really feel, the feeling of respect is more important than the behavior without the feeling. When the feeling is there, the behavior will naturally follow.

Why It is Important
Going back in time, respect played an important role in survival. If we think of a small tribe wandering in the desert we can imagine that a person not respected by anyone could be left behind and die. Such a person was considered to have no worth, no importance, no value to the group. This, I believe is the foundation of our psychological need to feel respected.

Nowadays it seems much more possible to survive without being respected. Someone could, for example, inherit a large sum of money, have many servants and employees and have salesmen constantly calling on him and catering to him, yet not be respected in the least. Someone could also make a lot of money through having a particular talent which is valued, such as being able to dunk a basketball yet not really be respected, perhaps because of the way he treats others.

Still, there is a value to respect which money can't buy. Though someone's life might not depend on it, there are times, many times in fact, when another person has the chance to make a personal decision - a judgment call. When that person feels sincere respect for someone else, they will make a different decision than if they feel no respect, even if they have customarily shown a false, pseudo-respect to the person.

We can all sense whether we are respected or not. This holds true for those with money and power as well. Moreover, it is quite possible that those who pursue money and power are actually trying to gain a type of respect that they never have truly felt.

When we are respected we gain the voluntary cooperation of people. We don't have to use as much of our energy and resources trying to get our needs met. When people respect one another there are fewer conflicts. In summary, it is for both evolutionary and practical reasons that respect is important, and also why we simply feel better when we are respected.

http://eqi.org
10 Mar 2007

Respect - Where Respect Comes From and Showing and Earning Respect

Where Respect Comes From
As I see it, respect is something that is earned. One earns another's respect by voluntarily doing the things I mentioned above, such as taking that person's feelings, needs and thoughts into consideration.

Respect seems to be like a boomerang in the sense that you must send it out before it will come back to you. Respect cannot be demanded or forced, though sometimes people mistakenly believe that it can, as I discuss below.

Since a baby has no concept of respect, and feels only its own needs when it is first born, I believe that the only successful way to teach a child what respect is, is to earn the respect of the child as they slowly grow into a thinking human being.

The way this is done is first of all by attending to the child's natural needs, such as to be fed and nurtured. As the child grows, his needs change. He has increasingly sophisticated psychological needs. He begins to express his own views, his own preferences, and he has an increasing need for freedom, autonomy and independence. This is when the adults in his life can treat him with increasing respect and thereby earn his respect in return.

It doesn't make sense to think of respecting a baby in the same way that we say we respect an adult. Yet on some level the two concepts are similar. This similarity has to do with our voluntarily helping that person with their needs. In either case, we must first accept the needs. For example, if a baby needs to be fed at three in the morning we don't do it begrudgingly if we respect his natural needs; we simply accept that the infant has a natural need to eat at that particular moment. Likewise, if an adolescent or an adult needs to talk, we accept this need and we show respect by listening voluntarily.

Below are more specific ways to show and earn respect, particularly to an older child, adolescent or adult.

Showing and Earning Respect
Respecting someone means respecting their feelings and their survival needs. Here are ways to show respect for someone's feelings:

- asking them how they feel
- validating their feelings
- empathizing with them
- seeking understanding of their feelings
- taking their feelings into consideration

For this process to work efficiently several things are required. For example: Each person must be aware of their own feelings; i.e. know how they feel.

- They must be able to express their feelings.
- They must know how to listen non-judgmentally & non-defensively.
- They must know how to validate feelings.
- They must believe that feelings have value.
- They must believe that feelings matter.

If respecting someone means respecting their feelings and their survival needs, then if a person does not respect your feelings, they don't respect you. If those in positions of power and authority do not respect your needs and feelings, they will not earn your respect.

Here are some specific ways to show respect:
- Asking others "How would you feel if..." before making a decision which affects them
- Voluntarily making changes and compromises to accommodate their feelings, desires and needs
Not interrupting them
- Soliciting and allowing feedback. Trying to understand their beliefs, values and needs
- Giving them the opportunity to solve their own problems without underestimating them, in particular:
- Avoid telling them what to do
- Avoid telling them what they 'need' to or 'should do
- Avoid giving them unsolicited advice, sermons and lectures

Remember that the most effective way of finding out how well your efforts are working is to simply ask, "On a scale of 0-10, how much do you feel respected by me?" If you have created a safe environment, you are likely to get an honest answer. Then if it is lower than 10, you can ask, "What would help you feel more respected?" Then you have the specific information you need to improve your 'rating.' I have found that most people are more than willing to express themselves when asked such a question. And the answers are typically articulate, and often surprising.

http://eqi.org
10 Mar 2007