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Articles on Parenting Matters:

Sibling Jealousy

Sibling jealousy is a norm in most families, especially when the age gap is small, example of an elder son and a newly born daughter. Firstly, you may wish to recognise that what your son is currently going through is not uncommon, and it may not have to do with whether you have done anything wrong.

While his behaviour for example - whining and screaming and kicking is undesireable, it is more important that you look beyond it and seek to understand the underlying intentions that may not alwaysbe obvious. His whining and screaming are merely his way of expressing his thoughts and emotions. These behaviours are certainly not without reasons.

Consider the possibility that what he is actually trying to say to you through his whining and screaming is this: "Hi, Mum. I know you are struggling with a new baby. I just want you to know that I am also having a hard time adjusting to not receiving the amount of attention from Dad and you that I used to have before my little sister arrived. I know I am old enough not to whine and scream like a baby, but I can't help it because it seems to work for her. Each time she cries, she always gets all the attention she wants. I am merely mirroring her strategy which appears to be 100 per cent effective in getting your attention."

Now, that is just one possibility. To uncover the truth behind the sudden change in his behaviour, you need to look at him from a fresh perspective. Consider this: Behind every behaviour is a positive intention. As a parent, your challenge is to uncover his positive intention, and then guide him to fulfil that intention through more age-appropriate ways.

You might want to begin by helping him to acknowledge his emotion. Sit him down calmly and ask him about how exactly he is feeling. Patiently, wait for his answer. Is he feeling angry, jealous, neglected or unloved?

Whatever his emotion is, simply acknowledge and accept it. Your acceptance will make him feel safe and understood. That will help him open up and tell you more about what he is thinking. Once you have managed to engage his mind and his heart, you could proceed to lead him to explore alternative ways of expressing himself.

For example, you could ask him, "Can you think of other ways to tell Mummy that you need me to play with you other than whining or screaming?" It might be a good idea to explain to him that the baby cries because that is the only way she knows how to communicate. Empower him to choose a way that suits him best.

Meanwhile as a practical strategy for reducing sibling jealousy, consider involving your son in the daily care of your newborn. Praise him, for example, for being helpful and caring, whenever he exhibits the slightest sign of any virtue. Soon, he will learn that he could actually get your attention by being actively involved with the caring of his sister, and stop perceiving her as a rival.

Parenting, especially with young children, calls for a great deal of patience. A majority of parents' struggles revolve around dealing with misbehaviour.

Many of these challenges can be turned into moments of joy when we stop reacting to our children's misbehaviour or attempting to correct them, and instead, focus our energy towards understanding their underlying intentions and emotions. The heart of parenting is in understanding and fulfilling our children's emotional needs, adn our reward is the joy that fills our hearts when we put a smile back onto their innocent faces.

Kenny Toh
Singapore
31 Mar 2007

Kenny Toh is a life coach and founder of The Coaching Academy and International Network for Parents as Coaches. For details, visit www.coachingacademy.com.sg and www.parentsascoaches.net