Articles on Parenting Matters:

A New Sibling - Helping Your First Born Adjust To A New Baby

You may be delighted at the thought of your second child arriving, but your first-born (pretending she is a girl in this instance) may not share your excitement. She has been used to having Mum and Dad all to herself and may have a hard time adjusting to her sibling.

Fortunately, you can make the situation easier for you and your first-born, with a little bit of advanced planning and sensitive handling.

Here are some suggestions to guide you:

Be positive
From the moment you first mention to your child that a new baby is on the way - probably around the fourth or fifth month of  your pregnancy when your "bump" starts to show - use positive terms. Tell her the new baby loves her and thinks she is a terrific older sister. This gets their relationship off on the right footing.

Arrange an excahnge of gifts
Buy a gift for your older child and take it to the hospital with you. PLace it beside your new baby when your older child visits for the first time. She will be delighted that her new sibling got her a gift. Try to arrange such that she has a gift for the baby too.

Involve your first born
The more your older child is involved in the care of the baby, the more she will feel connected with him. So try to give her minor responsibilities. Even a child aged three or four years old can fetch a new nappy from the box at the other side of the room. Hands-on jobs like these are helpful.

Enlist help of visitors
The first few days back home with your family and a new baby is usually a busy period, with visitors keen to see your new baby. If possible ask them to get a present for your older child as well, which will help keep any feelings of jealousy in check.

Appoint your fist born as a "Tour-Guide"
She will love to be given the job of leading visitors into the baby's room, and will take great pride in telling visitors all about the baby. This particular role ensures she gets lots of attention too, and emphasises that she is the "older one" at home.

Avoid time clashes
You have given your new baby loads of attention - what with feeding, changing and bathing the baby but try to introduce your older child to this idea gradually. Tensions between her and the baby is greatly reduced if you manage some of these tasks when she is kept busy, so she doesn't feel "neglected".

Never compare
When upset, you may inadvertently compare your older child with the baby, perhaps pointing out that her younger brother never complains when the videogame is switched off. Such comparisons are always divisive, and usually create greater tension, and even resentment, between your children.

Treat them as individuals
Each of your child is a unique individual with his own particular personality. Resentment between them is less likely when you allow for that individuality. Encourage their differences. Spend time alone with each of your children every day so that each feels special.

Dr Richard C Woolfson
Singapore
Young Families Magazine
13 Jan 2007

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Control Yourself!

It is common for parents to lose control of themselves in the face of a child throwing a major tantrum, to the point that they seem to be behaving worse than the child. How can you deal with tantrums effectively?

Here are some tips:

Stay calm
Screaming, shaking or spanking a child not only sets a bad example, it tells the child that violence is the way to deal with problems. Keep your emotions and actions in check. Squat down to your child's level so that you don't appear threatening.

Take a deep breath
Do this before you lose your temper. Calm down, then decide how you will handle the situation. It usually take at least 15 minutes to calm down before you can better manage the situation. If you must and if you can, remove yourself from the situation for a while to cool down.

Give him attention
It is easiest to ignore the upset child, but that may prolong the frustration, and hence, the tantrum. Stop what you are doing and acknowledge the child's frustration, ask why are they upset and help to resolve it.

Time out
Physically remove the child to somewhere quiet for him to cool down, but stay nearby.

Hold on to your child
If he is really out of control and is in danger of hurting himself or others, hold him or even better hug him. This can be reassuring and comforting, since kids don't like to be out of control. This may also do wonders in calming him down quickly.

Talk it out
Wait till the child is calm enough to talk. Teach him ways to deal with his emotions, for example, how to ask for help when doing something chanllenging, or express feelings verbally rather than hitting at somebody.

Comfort and reassure your child
Your child needs to know that although you disapprove of his/her behaviour, you still love him/her. Speak to them gently, give them a pat or a hug, whatever works best to calm your child.

Young Families
Singapore
17 Jan 2007

Child Tantrums - When to seek help?

Sometimes tantrums may be a sign of something more than an angry or frustrated child. It may be because the child is unwell, has a medical condition, feels stressed, has emotional problems, or even psychological problems.

The main warning sign that is something more serious is the constancy of the tantrums. Especially if the child tends to be defiant, negative, ruins family outings, fights with siblings, is contrary and so on.

However, often the real indicator is the feeling that you have as parents. For example, you may have more negative rather than positive feelings about your child, or you realise that you are averse to your child or have stopped liking him or her. That's when you should seek help from a counsellor or psychologist.

Remember...
Tantrums happen when the child cannot express his/her feelings.

How you handle the tantrum models behaviour that your child will copy.

Tantrums may occur when the child feels rushed, gets frustrated or is unable to express themselves. Be patient. Review your own demands on him/her. Adjust them if necessary.

Work out the major stresses in your child's life and help manage them.

Watch for a pattern with tantrums. Learn to indentify potential triggers and avoid them if possible.

Tantrums may occur when kids are overstimulated. Moderate his mix of activities, and encourage quieter activities towards naptime or study time. Give him enough unstructured quiet time as well to calm down and enjoy his own space.

Use a relaxing activity to calm the child and have some meaningful bonding.

Tantrums are inappropriate behaviour. Explain and review acceptable behaviours.

Be consistent. Giving in to the child one day, punishing the next or comforting on another occasion will only confuse him and make it harder to deal with tantrums.

Choose your battles. Don't sweat the small stuff. Leave saying "no" to the things that are really important, like dangerous activities.

Young Families
Singapore
17 Jan 2007