funny_matters_article002

Articles on Funny Matters:

Children...Children...Children

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.

When your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even GOD's
omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, GOD created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing He said was "DON'T !"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." GOD said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve.. we have forbidden fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said GOD.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" GOD replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, GOD saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" GOD asked.
"Uh huh," replied Adam.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, GOD's punishment was that Adam and Eve should
have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken
it, don't be hard on yourself.
If GOD had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake
for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you
spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut-up.
2. Grandchildren are GOD's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you
shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are
children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY, if you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on
the Aspirin bottle: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" and "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN!!!"
Quick, send this on to ten people within the next five minutes. Nothing will happen if
you don't, but if you do, ten people will be laughing...

Contributed By,
Calvin Yeo from an Anonymous Email
10 Dec 2006

Pilot in Heaven

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdomof Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadenafor the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood.

How can this be?"

"Up here - - we work by results," says Saint Peter, "while you preached - - people slept; while he flew - - people prayed."

Contributed By,
Eileen Koo, from an Anonymous Email
Singapore
10 Dec 2006

Husband's Surprise
A wife decides to surprise her husband and takes him to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they were seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Contributed By,
Calvin Yeo, from an Anonymous Email
Singapore
10 Dec 2006