communication_matters

Articles on Communication Matters:

Who is a Compassionate Listener?

It is difficult to become a good listener who both validates the pain of the other, while maintaining the ability to look at themselves. Each person must listen compassionately to themselves and each other.

Within many relationships, rather than engaging in compassionate listening, many couples polarize. One partner is the voice of reason, the head, while the other partner is the voice of emotion, the heart. These patterns often create communication problems, which hardly begins to touch on the angst that can be felt between couples.

While, listening with both our hearts and our heads is valuable, neither is complete by itself, because listening with both makes one complete person. Someone who uses just their head while listening is using their intellect and knowledge, and when used individually, without the hearts part, it can be cold and indifferent. When listening with just the heart compassion turns into confused feelings.

A compassionate listener is someone who listens with both their head and their heart.

Here are traits of a compassionate listener:

They are commited to listening.

They have the intention of understanding, as deeply as possible, the message and concerns of others.

They seek to understand the reality of another through both compassion and understanding.

They refrain from verbal and nonverbal judgments.

They are physically and mentally ready to listen.

They validate their understanding of the other's reality before expressing their opinion.

They create a balance between their head and their heart.

They remain present and are in the here and now.

They are open to new learning experiences about their own behaviors.

They self-evaluate and can laugh at themselves.

Copyright 2005 Linda Miles Ph.D

Linda Miles Ph.D
07 Dec 2006

Author, Dr. Linda Miles, is deeply committed to helping individuals and couples achieve rewarding relationships. She is an expert with a doctorate in Counseling Psychology, and has worked in the mental health field for over thirty years. She has been interviewed extensively on radio, TV, and in newspapers and magazines. Find more relationship ideas and relaxation techniques on her web site and in the award-winning book she co-authored, The New Marriage: Transcending the Happily-Ever-After Myth, and Train Your Brain: For Successful Relationships, CD.

http://www.drlindamiles.com

Simple Steps on How to Improve Communication Skills

Do you have good public interaction skills? If you do, then there's a good chance that you are a charismatic and flamboyant person who is always in the center of things. However, some people find it difficult to communicate and interact with others. Fortunately, you don't have to fret if you are uncomfortable with interacting with others because you can learn how to improve communication skills. You can be the life of that party, or the one heading that board meeting if you have improved communication abilities. The key to being more confident in public is in understanding your strengths and abilities. Do you want to be confident in mixing it up and socializing with others?

A lot of people can benefit from learning how to improve communication skills. Some people just dive straight to overcoming their fear of crowds. I had such a difficult time with class presentations when I was in grade school and high school. Presentations just made me so nervous. I feel overwhelmed by the thought of having every single other person staring at me.

Many people also feel this way in front of a large crowd of people. People feel a certain anxiety with making mistakes. We usually assume that people would laugh if we make a mistake in front of them. This is why you should try to learn how to improve communication skills. You should not let this feeling of anxiety and insecurity rule your life forever.

I decided to take a public speaking course when I was in college. This is one of the best ways to get better at communicating with people. A student is required to give speeches regularly in front of groups. This method is not overbearing, since it is a class created to teach you how to improve communication skills. You will be more relaxed because you know why everyone is in there. They are taking the course for the same reason you are. The people in front of you also want to learn how to improve communication skills.

It would be a good idea to start with a simple class if you are learning how to improve communication skills. The Internet can also provide tips and pointers for improving communication with others. You can get to that spot of security that you want to be if you work hard and persevere. It just takes a little time and effort. Your life will be better if you can learn how to improve communication skills today.

Morgan Hamilton
07 Jan 2007

Morgan Hamilton offers expert advice and great tips regarding all aspects concerning How to Improve Communication Skills. Visit our site for more helpful information about Communication Barriers Organization and other similar topics.

Listening vs. Obeying

This week I heard several people talking about people who "won't listen." In all three cases it was someone who was older talking about someone who was younger. (I almost wrote that I heard several people talking about "children, students and teenagers" who won' t listen, but I decided this creates artificial divisions, and all people are people, regardless of their age.) First it was a university psychology student talking about her younger brother. She said he is "ADHD." I asked her what she meant by that and she said, "He won't listen." When I asked her to explain further she said, "You tell him not to do something and he does it anyhow." In a playfully provoking tone, I asked her why she thought he should listen to her. She smiled defensively and looked away as she realized she didn't have a good answer. The best she could come up with was, "Because I am his older sister." I said, "So...?" She laughed, and I left it at that. I wonder, though, what she would say had we continued the conversation. I am really curious why different people think others "should" listen to them.

Two days later I had a conversation with someone whose parents are from Samoa. She told me that in the Samoan culture you are taught to "respect your elders." She said at the dinner table young people usually don't talk; only the "elders" talk, and young people are expected to listen quietly without making a contribution to the discussion. She said she was never asked her opinion about anything and her feelings were not considered important to her parents. She said it is a primitive society. She also said women are not treated with respect there, and for those reasons she would not want to raise her children in a place like that. Talking to her helped me understand why some people think others "should" listen to them. It seems this is largely just custom, culture and tradition. I wonder what a society would be like if it were the cultural norm to listen to those people we commonly call children, teenagers and students.. and then take what they say seriously.

Later in the week, I saw how a primary school teacher used the word "listen." At the time, she was frustrated because she was getting behind in her lesson plan. She was also starting to feel out of control. She had just come back from gathering up two boys who did not return to the class after the lunch break bell had been rung. She was nearly dragging one, Abdul, by the hand, while lecturing to him most of the way. When she got back to class she tried to get 18 people, ages 5 and 6, to sit on the floor -- where she wanted and how she wanted -- in preparation for her reading a story about a father taking his son fishing. Her attempts at controlling these 18 people took her a lot of time and she was getting more and more stressed and further behind in her lesson plan. Then as she read she would stop frequently to give orders to the people on the floor. She would say things like, "Put that down." "Sit up properly." "Eyes up here." "Move over here by me." "Go sit in the back by yourself." "Don't walk through the group! I wanted you to walk around the outside!" After directing several such instructions towards Abdul, she snapped at him, saying, "Abdul, Stand up! You are not listening to me! The next time I have to speak to you, you are going to be sent out of the room. Do you understand that? Look at me! Do you understand that?!"

I think what she actually meant was that he was not obeying her by sitting quietly and motionless, with his eyes on her while she tried to read the story. I could understand why Abdul was not looking at her because the story was not interesting to him. She tried to make it more interesting by exaggerating her voice as she read, but I think this might have only made it more obvious to him and others that the story was not very important or relevant to them in its own right. As I looked around the room in fact, I would say only about half the people were interested in the story, which explained why so many of them were looking elsewhere and finding other things to do.

During the story telling, I noticed something else. There was a boy named Jesse who the teacher said was "ADHD." The way she said it was as if she were branding him for life as a problem child. I paid close attention to Jesse and we immediately connected. I saw myself in him and have little doubt that if I were in school now I would also be labeled as "ADHD". One of the most fascinating things I witnessed while watching Jesse was when the teacher asked, "Have any of you gone fishing with your fathers?" At this point Jesse looked like he was not paying any attention at all. He had been crawling all around, not keeping his eyes on the teacher for more than a few seconds after each time she commanded him to. But when she asked the question, "Have any of you gone fishing with your fathers?", Jesse was one of the first, if not the very first, to shoot up his hand and say, "I have." His ability to listen when not appearing to -- what I might call his multi-tasking ability -- was shown again when she was handing out writing books. At this point Jesse was literally crawling under one of the tables, but as soon as he heard his name called, he came out and went to get his book.

Another example of how someone used the word "listen" was just last night. I was talking to an 18 year old from Holland here at the Villa Backpackers (one of my favorites!). She was considering studying psychology. She said there are some students who "won't listen" to the teachers when the teacher tells them to be quiet.

All of this made me realize there is a difference between listening and obeying. As with the difference between respect and obedience, however, one is often used mistakenly in place of the other. I suppose this is because people like teachers and psychology students don't want to admit that they really just want someone to obey them. I may be guilty of this myself, so I will try to be more aware of this important distinction!

As "adults" we tend to use the word "listen" differently depending on the situation. When we truly want someone to listen to us, rather than obey us -- and this person is someone we consider an equal, a friend or someone we are seeking help from -- we often mean we want them to listen in a caring way without judging us or telling us what to do, much as is described in this site.

This strikes me as very ironic. A person who sees themselves as some kind of authority figure wants to tell other people what to do. But at the same time, if they really want someone to listen to them, they probably don't want that person to tell them what to do! They just want to be listened to. Beyond this they probably would like to feel understood and empathized with. We don't usually feel any of these things when someone expects just to just obey them.

I can just imagine a police chief, an army officer or a high school principal going into a therapist and the therapist saying, "I told you what to do last week, didn't I? And you didn't listen, did you? Look at me when I am talking to you!" The client then says "But I am paying you to listen to me, not to tell me what to do! No one ever listens to me, even when I pay them to!!"

Steve Hein
03 Mar 2007
www.SteveHein.com